Great, Dirty, Indigo Lizards
by Ada Kensington
Summary: This is the story following Remus Lupin and Sirius Black's adventures as bored, seventeen year-olds, freshly graduated from Hogwarts on a week-long, hallucinogenic drug-fuelled bender. More details inside!
1. Chapter One

Great, Dirty, Indigo Lizards

by Ada Kensington

* * *

AN: Hello, all! I've decided to take a break from 'What Would You See?' (of which there is a new chapter - go and read it!) I've wanted to do something like this for ages, but I haven't had the right ideas in my head. Well, it finally came to me when I was watching the closing scenes of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban at a late night showing at my local cinema. You know, when Harry goes up to visit Remus Lupin one last time before he leaves Hogwarts? You'll recognise what I mean when you read the intro. So sit back, chill out and get ready for the epic adventure that is 'Great, Dirty, Indigo Lizards.' 

Warning: This story is AU (though the characters are not OC) contains very surreal images and hallucinogenic drug use. Remember, though, it's all in good fun! Don't do drugs!

Enjoy!

- Ada K.

* * *

Chapter One:

* * *

"Oh! Hello, Harry. Didn't hear you come down," Remus Lupin's hoarse voice called from the kitchen door.

In the dim, flickering firelight, Harry turned to face Lupin with a tired smile, his skin pale and his eyes puffy from lack of sleep. Everyone else in Grimmauld Place had been sound asleep for hours, but Harry's impending disciplinary hearing at the Ministry had kept him awake. He figured there was no point in lying in his bed, tossing and turning restlessly whilst listening to that strange, sniggering empty portrait above his bed, so he'd gone downstairs and made himself a cup of tea, waiting for the sun to come up. Across from him, Remus Lupin pulled up a chair and sat down, his face equally pale and weary, although, Harry guessed shrewdly, it was for an entirely different reason.

"Can't sleep?" Remus enquired, as he poured himself a cup of tea from Molly Weasley's spectacularly floral teapot.

Harry shook his head. For a moment, there was silence, and then Harry spoke up. "What about you? Are you okay?" he asked. "You look a bit ill…"

With a dismissive wave of his hand, Remus laughed gently. "Don't worry about me, Harry. I've looked worse."

Somehow, Harry was finding that a little difficult to believe. In the hearth, the dying fire cast Lupin's prematurely lined face into sharp relief, giving it an eerie, haunted look, making him appear even more haggard than usual. The doubt must have been visible in Harry's face, as Remus laughed again and shook his head, taking a sip of his tea.

"Really, Harry," he added emphatically.

"Oh yeah?" Harry countered jokingly, whilst still concerned about the older man's health.

For a moment, there was a pause, as Remus lowered his head, trying to hard think to think of a time when he had looked worse (or so Harry surmised) and when he looked up again, Harry thought he could see the ghost of a grin playing around Lupin's lips.

"Yes, as a matter-of-fact. I have looked worse." Remus glanced up at the clock on the wall and back to Harry, whose curiosity had been kindled. The way the other man was smiling meant that it couldn't have been anything too horrible. "Well, we've got plenty of time," Lupin continued brightly. "Would you like to hear a story about your godfather and myself?"

"Yeah!" Harry said enthusiastically, before remembering himself. "I mean, yeah. That would be great," he added, this time a little more casually.

"All right then," Lupin said, leaning back in his chair. "Where do I begin?" he added thoughtfully, his brow furrowed slightly. "Ah, yes. It was just after graduation…"

* * *

"I'm bored, Moony," Sirius said with a sigh as he flopped languidly onto his friend's battered couch. "Want to come out to the Three Broomsticks with me?" 

It was a blisteringly hot summer's day and Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had only just come of age, graduating from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with honours. Already they were bored of trying to find employment, and the current heat wave wasn't helping matters much. Frustrated, Remus scrunched up his copy of the Daily Prophet and launched it into the bin, collapsing beside Sirius. It really was incredibly hot outside…

"The Three Broomsticks, you say?" Remus asked languidly, his eyes closed.

"Yup. We can grab a few ice-cold Butterbeers while we're there," Sirius replied, moaning wistfully at the thought of a chilled glass of pumpkin juice with a double shot of Ogden's Old Firewhisky.

"I'm there," Remus said, sitting up. Suddenly alert, he grabbed Sirius by the arm and hauled him to his feet. "Come on, then! If we're going, I'm not going to carry you there."

"Really?" Sirius pouted, with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "I was looking forward to--"

"We're going! Right now!" Remus interrupted him with such a stern air of finality that he laughed.

"Yes, Professor Moony. Of course, Professor Moony," Sirius retorted, feigning humility. Remus chuckled and punched him good-naturedly on the shoulder. With a mock gentlemanly flourish, he let Remus pass before strutting out the door of the his friend's small cottage and shutting it behind him.

* * *

"Ahhh… That was good," Sirius announced to the world in general, as he drained the last drop of his butterbeer. 

"Want another?" Remus asked, delving into his pockets, trying to find some spare sickles.

"Nah, mate, you're alright."

"Still bored, then, Padfoot?" Remus asked casually, without looking up.

"Rigid, old friend," Sirus replied swiftly, his eyes scanning the pub restlessly for something to divert his attention.

"It's too early in the day. No one will be at the pub in the afternoon…"

At that moment, the door to the Three Broomsticks opened with a bang and a smallish, skinny youth with white, blonde hair and huge, blue saucer-like eyes tramped into the pub, trailing his indigo cloak out along the floor behind him. It was Evelyn Lovegood. His eyes fell instantly upon Remus and Sirius, who were sitting in a booth in the a corner.

"Black! Lupin!" he called out with a grin, throwing his arms out and racing over to them. Before they knew it, they were both trapped in an enormous, enthusiastic bear-hug. "How's things since graduation?" the young man inquired excitedly.

"Evelyn!" Sirius exclaimed, attempting to extricate himself from the embrace of the newcomer. "Haven't seen you for ages! And yes, everything's been going swimmingly, thank-you-very-much!"

Evelyn Lovegood ruffled Remus's hair before releasing him from his grip and taking a seat at their booth. "Glad to hear it, glad to hear it!" he answered with an enormous grin.

"The only thing is," Remus interrupted, deciding to inject a little reality into the conversation "is that neither of us have yet managed to find suitable employment, and Sirius here" he continued, indicating the man in question, who prodded himself proudly in the chest, "is bored out of his skull."

"Hmm…" Evelyn mused, leaning his chin thoughtfully upon a pale fist. "You know, I might have something that could help you."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, leaning forward slightly.

"Well…" Evelyn trailed off, suddenly looking anxious. Dipping his hand into the folds of his robes, he pulled out a little crystal bottle, filled with a vibrant, lime coloured substance.

"For a galleon, she's yours," Evelyn whispered, almost quivering with anticipation. Sirius gasped with wonder, whilst Remus observed it a little more warily. "It's good stuff. I got it from a known associate. Persephone Diggle and I tested it out last week."

"How good is it?" Sirius asked desperately, already rifling in his money bag.

"I've just got up."

"We'll take it!" Sirius asserted, shoving two shiny, gold galleons into Evelyn's hand.

"Pleasure doing business with you, old chum!" Evelyn said cheerfully, as he pocketed the two galleons and handed over the bottle.

"Sirius! Wait!" Remus began irritated, before his friend shushed him.

"How do we take this stuff? I mean, I don't want to… well… you know…"

Evelyn laughed. "Take one drop in a goblet of water. Now one drop only, mind," he added with a wag of a finger, "or you'll be out of it for a month! Drink it down in one go and just sit back and feel the magic happening!"

"Brilliant!" Sirius said with a satisfied look on his face. "Come on, Moony. We're going back to your place!"

* * *

"I don't think this is such a good idea, Padfoot," Remus said with trepidation as Sirius placed a goblet of water in front of him. 

"Oh, come on! Let's have a little fun for a change! God knows, you could be doing with a break!"

Unbidden, thoughts of his last transformation during the full-moon rose to the fore. It had been a particularly difficult transformation last time round, particularly painful, too. He couldn't remember much else about it, but for the fact that when he woke, Sirius was there, tending to his wounds where he had bitten and scratched himself. He owed so much to Sirius, and he _was_ right, he did feel as though he needed a break. Maybe just this once…

"Alright," he concurred with a half-hearted sigh. "Do your worst, Black."

With a wicked grin, Sirius dotted one drop of the shimmering liquid into Remus' water and then another into his own. They both watched as their water gradually took on the strange, green colour. Silently, they lifted their glasses and held them to their lips, when suddenly, their eyes met.

"No going back now," Sirius said, more making sure that his friend was absolutely certain that he wanted to do it.

"I know," Remus replied with a grin. "Cheers, Padfoot!" he said, as together they downed the contents of their goblets.

* * *

Remus woke up with a groan. His head was pounding. With effort, he rolled over and opened one bleary eye. Sirius was lying on the floor next to him, drooling gently. Lifting a finger, he prodded Sirius' prone form and was awarded with a snort. 

"… great galloping graphorns, my head," he moaned, shielding his eyes from the dawn light that was streaming in through the windows.

Somehow, Remus managed to sit up. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, realising that they'd been unconscious for a whole day.

"Sirius…" he croaked. "Sirius…?"

"Yeah?"

"We've slept all day. It's tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Wow…"

"I know."

"Well, we'd better get up," Sirius murmured, not sounding too enthusiastic about the prospect but rising unsteadily to his feet nonetheless. "I'll make breakfast. Bacon sandwich good for you?"

Remus' stomach turned at the thought.

"No, you're alright," he said faintly. "I think I'll just have a cup of tea."

"Suit yourself," said Sirius, as he ambled into the kitchen.

Sitting upright and cross-legged, Remus looked out of the window at the dawn. He'd never seen daybreak before, as he had always been so utterly exhausted that he relished every moment spent in bed, not stirring for anyone unless it had been at Hogwarts and he had had to get up for lessons. It was a very pretty sight. All blues with touches of deep reds and bright oranges - and even pale greens and pinks.

Suddenly, there was an unearthly shriek from the kitchen that made the hairs on the back of Remus' neck stand on end.

"Who the hell_ are you!?"_

"What d 'ya mean, who the hell am I? What the hell are ya doin' in my_ warren!"_

Instinctively, Remus rushed to his friend's aid only to find his friend cowering before and himself confronted by a gigantic, white rabbit with fierce-looking red eyes, filling the kitchen with its massive, heaving bulk - and it looked furious. Remus gaped.

"What are _you_ looking at?" the monstrous house-pet said gruffly as it turned on Remus. "Ya never seen a talkin' rabbit before?"

"I … Well…" he spluttered.

"Ya got something' against talkin' rabbits?" it roared.

"No!" he exclaimed. "It's just that… This is my house, and…"

The rabbit gave a great yowl of fury and it hopped menacingly toward him, staring at right at him with one fiery eye the size of a dinner plate. Sirus yelled and sprang back toward the doorway.

"This is _my_ warren, ya got that?" it growled, "And if ya don't get outta here fast, I aint gonna have no qualms about puttin' my foot up both your asses."

Terrified, Remus and Sirius sprinted for the front door, almost tripping over one another in their haste to get away from the great, fluffy, white menace that had made Remus' cottage its own. Slamming the door shut behind them, they sat on the step and looked at one another in disbelief.

"How…?" Sirius began, bewilderment etched on every line of his face before it paled visibly. Turning, he pointed to the window, where the giant rabbit stood watching them, its long, gleaming teeth bared threateningly.

"GET OUTTA MY WARREN!" it roared, disappearing as it charged round to the front door, its cumbersome footsteps thundering ominously as of an omen of doom.

They didn't need to be told twice.

Survival instinct kicking in, Remus and Sirius fled and didn't stop until they were hiding behind the wall of the cottage across the road. Scared stiff, they watched as the rabbit came smashing through the door, not bothering to open it. It sniffed the air and searched the bushes, taking a bite out of one of Remus' flowers. The flower squealed as it met its untimely demise. After a while, it seemed satisfied and it lumbered back through the broken door and into the cottage.

Wordlessly, Remus and Sirius stood up and looked at each other. Words were not necessary.

"What the hell was that?" Remus asked flatly.

"Fortunately, I have no idea," Sirius replied breathlessly, running a hand through his dark hair.

"What're we going to do!" Remus cried suddenly, throwing his hands in the air. "That… That _thing's_ in my house!"

"Shh…" Sirius said nervously, putting a hand over Remus' mouth. "It'll hear you. Look, don't worry, Moony. We'll think of something…"

* * *

AN: Well, I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it. There will be further chapters, as Evelyn Lovegood and Persephone Diggle were out of it for a week!

Before you say anything about how Evelyn is a girl's name, remember the author Evelyn Waugh. I'd also like to point out that Persephone Diggle is Evelyn's future wife and Luna's mother. I thought that a combination of the Diggles and the Lovegoods would make a good explanation for Luna's wackiness.

Also, if you really want to know, the rabbit's name is Flopsy.


	2. Chapter Two

Great, Dirty, Indigo Lizards

by Ada Kensington

* * *

AN: Hello, all! I've decided to take a break from 'What Would You See?' I've wanted to do something like this for ages, but I haven't had the right ideas in my head. Well, it finally came to me when I was watching the closing scenes of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban at a late night showing at my local cinema. You know, when Harry goes up to visit Remus Lupin one last time before he leaves Hogwarts? You'll recognise what I mean when you read the intro. So sit back, chill out and get ready for the epic adventure that is 'Great, Dirty, Indigo Lizards.'

Warning: This story is AU (though the characters are not OC) and contains very surreal images and hallucinogenic drug use. Remember, though, it's all in good fun! Don't do drugs!

Enjoy!

- Ada K.

* * *

Chapter Two:

* * *

A while after the rabbit had kicked them out of his house, Remus realised that the pretty colours he had seen out of the window when he had first regained consciousness had nothing whatsoever to do with any beautiful dawn light. The sky was actually a war zone, the reds against the blues, both sides appearing to have hired mercenaries of green, orange and pink, who fought with various levels of skill and discipline. There was a constant rain of colours as soldiers from each side fell, shapeless blobs of colour screaming in pain and hitting the ground with a wet slap. Now and again, the warring factions would pull back and regroup, hiding behind stray clouds who had accidentally wandered into the fray. Always, though, they would charge with a resounding roar, clashing in the middle of the battle air. Inevitably, casualties would follow.

Siruis gasped in awe as a section of reds outflanked and ran-through a regiment of blues. The blues, however, having put up a good fight, managed to take out a few of their enemies, causing a great, purple splodge to cascade spectacularly onto the road in front of them. It was a stunning sight. That was, until they realised that it was heading straight for them. They only just managed to dive through Mrs Biggle's door in time. Breathing hard, they cast a fear-filled glance at one another, as a second later, they heard the echoing thunder of the unfortunates slamming into the cobblestones. The whole house shook and a little plaster flaked off the ceiling, dusting Remus' hair and making Sirius cough violently.

'Well. What're we going to do now?' Remus asked, wide-eyed, still shaking from his brush with imminent, purple-filled death.

'A-KOOFAH! A-KOOFAH!' Sirius said.

'I suppose we could ask Mrs Biggle for help, I mean, she's always been nice…'

'A-KAAAH! A-KAAH! HA-KAAH!' Sirius added, violently.

'She helped me out with my laundry that time, remember?'

'HOOF! HOO-HOOF! HOO-HOOF! HOOF! HOOF!!!'

'Sirius?'

'A-HACK-HACK-HACK!!!'

'You alright?'

'HACK… Hack… Hoof… Hoof… Huuuurrrrrgghhyup.'

'Good. Come on. Let's go find her. She might be sitting in her garden,' Remus said, dragging Sirius behind him, still spluttering.

As they walked through Mrs Biggle's rooms, they began to realise there was something a bit off. A table snickered at them, an oriental rug tried to trip them and a chandelier wolf-whistled at them. However, the icing on the cake had to be when Sirius accidentally tripped over a footstool and it told him to watch where he was fucking going. Mumbling an apology, they continued on through Remus' neighbour's house, when, suddenly, there was a noise.

In the background, someone was evidently playing a pretty mean solo on an electric guitar.__

'That's absolutely _wailing_, man!' Sirius yelled, commencing a quick spate of air-drumming with a pained concentration.

Remus listened for a minute and then shook his head slowly. 'It's alright. What it needs a good bass line…'

As if on cue, a pounding, sleazy bass riff kicked in, making them tap their feet.

'YEAH!' Remus shouted, with a grin, punching the air. '_That's_ what I'm talking about.'

Exhilarated, the pair jammed for a while, leaping about like lunatics and skidding across the floor on their knees, each attempting a rather uncanny Robert de Niro impression. Eventually, the couch joined in with vocals and the lampshade added harmonies.

They were on fire.

Just as things were hotting up, the mysterious guitar-player emerged from the kitchen and joined them. They never really found out who it was, but that didn't matter. Diving around the room, Remus had never felt so alive. He looked over at Sirius, who, in the middle of his drumming, gave him a grin and a thumbs up, and as he pounded his guitar strings, he _knew_ in his soul that he had connected with the music. He, Remus J. Lupin, _was_ the music.

A crowd had gathered. Girls were screaming. The bookshelf fainted, scattering books everywhere, promptly causing the breakout of an extraordinarily brutal mosh pit, in which a copy of _Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests_ was ripped from its binding with a shriek of rage by two angry Daily Prophets. Moreover, with each power-chord struck, the walls melted and morphed into different objects: giant blue apples; scarlet and ochre crossword grids; a whole hoard of great, dirty, indigo lizards; and one thousand bottle-green eggs, which were currently whizzing around at breakneck speed.

'ARE YOU HAVING FUN?' Sirius roared, sweating and exhilarated from an hour-long drum solo.

The crowd went wild.

'THIS ONE'S DEDICATED TO CHARLIE!' he yelled, indicating the lamp, who reclined what could have been its head. 'HE'S GOT A FUCKING GREAT VOICE AND WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE HIM HERE TONIGHT! AREN'T WE, PEOPLE?'

The crowd went berserk in agreement.

'READY? A-ONE… A-TWO… A-ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!'

Sirius began to hammer at the toms, pounding the bass double-pedal with his feet and battering the snare and the cymbals with ferocious energy, when suddenly, one of his drumsticks went flying out of his hand, catching a single, bottle-green egg and smashing it to pieces.

Everything fell silent.

In slow motion, the egg fell to the floor with a thud that sounded like lead upon stone, spinning, with its own innards trailing out behind it. For a heartbeat, no-one dared breathe, everyone in the room stood there, numbly, weighing up the consequences. There was a stirring of discontent coming from the direction of the rest of the bottle-green eggs.

'Errr… Padfoot?' Remus said conversationally, sidling stealthily up to his stricken friend.

'Yes, Moony?' he answered out of the corner of his mouth.

'I think we'd better leave.'

'I concur wholeheartedly. You always were the sensible one, after all.'

Simultaneously, they turned and ran, scrabbling to get out of the living room. Unfortunately, a rogue coaster spotted their short-lived attempt at escape.

'MURDERERS! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!' it howled.

Swarming together, motivated only by the thought of avenging their fallen comrade, the now nine-hundred and ninety-nine strong mob of bottle-green eggs thundered out the tiny archway after them like a hurricane, whisking up clouds of shredded paper and dust in their wake. Remus and Sirius didn't bother to close the door after them. This was just as well, as it gave them a bit of a head start, and the furious wall of bottle-green eggs obliterated it on their way out, anyway.

Remus ran like he had never ran before, his arms pinwheeling in the breeze as he was convinced it would make him go faster. Sirius, however, appeared to have sprouted a pair of wings on his feet and was zooming along upside down, yelling and flailing. Close behind them, there was an unpleasant and incessant, buzzing drone which was growing louder and louder by the nano-second.

'THEY'RE GAINING! THEY'RE GAINING!' he screamed. 'GIVE ME YOUR HAND AND I'LL PICK YOU UP!'

Without a moment's pause, Remus grabbed his airborne friend's hand and felt himself flying along the streets of Hogsmeade, the air (which smelt oddly of lavender) rushing past his face. With a grin, he noted that the distance between them and the onslaught of single-minded ovarian death was getting wider.

'SIRIUS! WE'RE LOSING THEM!'

'REALLY?' Sirius exclaimed, looking round happily.

Sure enough, their potential assassins had slowed to a halt.

'Can't keep up with us, eh?' he continued breathlessly, running a hand through his hair. 'Should've known they weren't tough enough. Figuratively speaking of course, heh heh…'

Crack…

The grin froze on Sirius' face.

'Merlin's nadgers…' he whispered.

Crack… Crack… Crack-crack-crack-crack…

As one, the bottle-green eggs split, their whites (or their greens, depending on how you look at it) spilling onto the cobbled streets with a muffled 'blorp.' Hovering in the air, the pair looked on, frozen in horror, as a vast tidal wave of ooze careered toward them. As far as they were concerned, death was imminent and inevitable. With a 'gloop', the eggy wave swelled and curled up over their heads, casting a long, ominous shadow.

'Ohshit…' Sirius whispered, just before the wall of goo hit them head-on with a mighty 'SPLAAP!'

Carried a couple of hundred yards down the street, they eventually slithered to a halt. For a moment, they just lay there in the foul-smelling green goo, groaning.

'My face feels a bit raw, Moony…'

'Your face? _Your face?_ I had my _mouth_ open!'

There was a pause in which the other contemplated this new revelation.

'Wow. That's pretty shit, mate.'

'We need help.'

'I know…'

'So where're we going to go?'

'Dunno…'

'Find Evelyn?'

'Sounds good to me, mate.'

'Right…'

'Right…'

'Let's get up then.'

'You first. You're the responsible one with the plan.'

Rolling his eyes, Remus stood up, slipping in the remains of the bottle-green eggs. After helping Sirius up with much struggling and cursing, he looked around once at his surroundings and yelped.

'Wha? What's the matter?' Sirius said frantically, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands. He opened his eyes and gaped. 'Bloody hell…' he said weakly, placing a wet, sticky hand on his friend's equally wet, sticky shoulder.

'I know...' Remus said mournfully, nodding. 'I know...

They were stuck right smack-bang in the middle of a forest.

* * *

AN: Right. If you're going to ask where I get my ideas from, I have no idea. If you're going to ask what the hell is wrong with me, again, I have no idea. If you're asking for Flopsy's services, he's fully booked for this week and the next, but he's got some slots free from the first of August onward. If you're wanting some of the stuff I'm on, then drop me an e-mail and I'll arrange something for you.

Then again, if you're going to review, that would be nice and I most certainly won't stop you, so go right ahead. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if you don't review, I'll set Flopsy on you. Believe me, you wouldn't like that. Not at all…


End file.
